Alli's Recovery Jounal

2008-01-24T09:01:00.000-08:00

I finally care more about being a proud recovering addict than I do what others think! A fellow NA member I met on line with many years clean introduced me a site called Needy or Greedy. The way it works is you make a wish and the ones with the most votes wins. My wish is to get scrap booking supplies to make albums for while I’m in treatment. I’m being completely honest about being a recovering addict who’s going into treatment. It is really freeing. Please check out my wish, blog and profile. It’s free to vote…hint…hint…hint.

Vote for me at:
http://www.greedyorneedy.com/cast-your-votes/wish/id/18415

Also check out my latest stories on my recovery blog:
http://allisrecovery.blogspot.com/

Here's my story behind my wish:

In Pictures

Pictures are my links to special moments, feelings and people I want to ever remain close to. For me photos are like memories suspended in time. I like capturing and preserving loving moments to fall back on in times of desperation. When I feel hopeless I hold a photo of one of my raccoons or my partner and life seems a little brighter. When I can look at my profile picture it’s like Peaches is still alive in my arms enjoying our 4th of July pick-nick. The photo I used for this wish is very special to me as well. I was 14 years old when it was taken. In my arms I’m holding Miny a quadriplegic raccoon who taught me what unconditional love really was. Loving her and allowing her to love me was my only reason to stay alive. A couple weeks after that Polaroid was taken Miny peacefully passed away in my arms. Sometimes when I’m really scared and all alone I hold my boy friends picture and I can feel his love surrounding me. I can almost feel him holding me tight. I’ve made a difficult decision to go into an inpatient treatment facility in March five hours away from my home. I know this is the right choice for me and my recovery. My partner and I will miss each other very much. He has been my very biggest support before I got into recovery and throughout the entire process. My raccoons and boy friend are the loves of my life. I want to stay close in my heart despite being so far geographically. Please vote for me to get Creative Memories scrap books and supplies to keep those I love close by. Although I have listed this as greedy one day when I feel alone these albums may very well save my life.

Peaches and Alli

2008-01-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

In May of 2006 three small baby raccoons lost their mother. A kind soul discovered these cold hungry little ones and took them to a wildlife rehabber in Jacksonville Florida. Two of the babies were healthy. One however later named Peaches was deaths door. Her organs were shutting down due to hypothermia. She had suffered severe brain damage from falling to the ground. Most rehabilitators would have euthanized her never giving her a chance. How ever one special rehabber fought to save her. Peaches bounced around from rehabber to rehabber. I use to be furious with one of her care givers who I heard neglected her. Now I can’t help but forgive free from all judgments. I’ve learn by experience that there is no good that come from be critical of other. I’m not Christian but I still believe strongly in the verse that says “judge not least you be judged.

Polly a disabled raccoon with brain damaged who lived with me for nearly 10 years was dying of liver cancer before my eyes a little bit more every day. When I heard about two and a half month old Peaches needing someone to care for her she had no hope to speak of. I feared that I could not handle loosing both Polly and Peaches. I knew Peaches had no chance at all without me so I knew I had to take her home.

Peaches brain damaged caused her to think that everything including her own body was a predator and terrified she attacked herself as she dug deep into her skin with her teeth. She chewed her hands so bad she lost one of thumbs. With lots of special attention and intense medical care day by day Peaches health and moral slowly improved. Peaches was never steady on her feet but eventually she began to walk around and explore her surroundings. She really enjoyed eating everything with the exception green veggies. Just like a human baby everything went in her month, even rocks and dirt.
She stopped attacking herself and her injuries healed leaving behind many scares a reminder how far she had come. She became such a happy raccoon. She was always the most content in my arms. I always felt the safest when I held her close. Our bond was absolutely priceless.
Peaches could be happy anywhere in the world as long as we were together. Because of Peaches’ disabilities I knew from the beginning she could never survive on her own in the wild. I believe for a raccoon the best place to be is wild and free. Living in captive is the next best thing for many who can’t live independently. I have special permits that allowed me to keep her in my home and take her out into public to educated people on raccoons and other wildlife. Peaches and I shared a very special bond like none I had ever had with a human being. For 12 years I let raccoons and raccoons alone into my heart. I admire raccoons like Peaches for always living in the moment and loving life to the end.

Peaches brained only reached the developmental stage of about a six week old baby raccoon but she never let this stop her. Peaches got excited over the simplest things in life. Peaches favorite thing to do was to go on out doors we me where she smelled and tasted everything in nature. Peaches grew into a happy adventurous raccoon.

Peaches touched the hearts of all the thousands of people young and old just by being herself. Peaches had a special gift she shared with the world. I still run into strangers who met us at educational events who ask about her. I’ll never forget all the adventures we had. For many people she was the only raccoon they ever saw up close. I was reminded that we were making a difference every time someone told me that we changed there perceptions of raccoons.

Peaches had a lot of ups and downs in life but was lucky enough to have spent most of her time on earth enjoying life. I feel very lucky to have had the privilege of caring for her. I’m pound to have been Peaches “mommy” and best. Peaches had a greater positive effect in her one year than most humans have in their entire life time.

My struggle to keep Peaches alive ended late one night. I tucked her into bed and made sure she was comfy that evening. When I returned home from work I found her warm body lifeless. Peaches’ damaged organs finally gave out and failed completely.

When I lost Peaches I lost all hope. I had no reason left to go on living. For 9 years my way of dealing with pain was to abused prescription pills. When I lost Peaches I used and used with no regard for my own life until I had no pills left to abuse. Between coming down from the drugs and being off my psychiatric medications loosing Peaches was just more than I could bare. One night a week and a half after Peaches passed away in pure desperation I Over dosed on nearly 400 pills nearly seceded in ending my own life.
After being released from the hospital’s ICU I was shown hope and give another chance by an unexpected friend who reached out to me and later became my boyfriend. Soon I was able to see the possibility that I had hope without drugs. I use to hold Peaches tight and close when she was in poor health and beg her not to leave me alone. Although I didn’t realize it when at the time of her passing Peaches didn’t leave me alone. I now have a very special human I let into that special place in my heart previously reserved for my raccoons only. He supported and guided me during active addiction and has continued to walk with me through each of my days clean. Because of him I’m only fighting to save raccoons. I’m battling for my own life and happiness as well. I’ve realized I’m not good to anyone human or creature if I don’t take care of myself first and for most.

It has been almost six months since I lost Peaches. She is never far from heart. I personally believe Peaches watches over me and has been holding my hand through all the difficulties I’ve had since her passing. If I live to be 100 I will still love and remember Peaches as one very special friend who’s life was cut short at 14 months old.

In memory of Peaches May 1, 2006-July 26 2007

My Path of Growth

2008-01-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

My Path of Growth
My entire life hinged on the life of one very special raccoon. Her name was Peaches and our bond eternal. Most of my raccoons over the last 13 years returned to their natural wild home. Raccoons like other wildlife grow up to be wild, restless and hard if not impossible to handle as adults. I realized along time ago it was not fair to me or them to keep them captive any longer than I have to. Peaches never could live independently. Peaches required allot of on going medical and supportive care. She had serious brain and organ damage. I spent everyday for a year keeping her alive and happy. Nothing made me happier then to see her enjoy life. I had not yet learned how to have fun myself so I enjoyed her fun times with her. There was nothing I loved more than Peaches. We had a very special bond. Shortly before Peaches came into my life I created Polly and Friends an organization dedicated to raccoons. Between caring for Peaches and working on Polly and Friends my life had no room to get close to humans. Besides I stop trusting anyone as a baby when I began being violated by those humans I should have been able to trust. We got a special permit to take Peaches out into the public where I shared with other people about raccoons. Her and I were inseparable. Ten years ago I became addicted to my pain medication while trying to escape the haunting the abuse. I was consistently suicidal but I knew I had stay alive for Peaches. When I looked into her eyes I saw a magical love like I had only seen in the eyes of my raccoons. Drugs and ODs had nearly reined my life but I still had someone to love who loved me back unconditionally. This is a priceless feeling. On July 26, 2007 there was nothing more I could do to keep her organs functioning and Peaches passed away. My world ended that day. A little more than a week later I swallowed nearly 400 pills and was almost dead by the time they put me on life support. Life seemed so dark without her because she was my love and hope. When I got out of the hospital I went strait to a friend we will refer to a George. Up till then my entire focus was on Peaches and raccoons in general. I enjoyed talking with him but I never really considered getting close with him. He showed me that love just has Peaches had. I let him into a place in my heart I though was reserved only for raccoons. George changed my entire world that August morning. I was still grieving the loss of Peaches my best friend but I let hope back in. It wasn’t long before George was my new best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him. His love made me believe that I was special enough to be worth fighting to save. He helped me realize I could choose a life without drugs. I saw the possibility that I could find another way to live. I saw through his eyes that I was not hopeless and most importantly that I was loved. While using drugs and in these my first 60 days clean George has been my biggest support. I know I would not be alive today without his love and support. For the first time in my life I’m intimate with a man who’s not only my lover but also my friend. About a week ago I made a hard choice to go into inpatient treatment. This is a way for me to spend 63 days doing nothing but intensely working on me and my recovery. I know George and I will miss one another very much. At least we’ll be able to stay in touch daily through phones and snail mail. This is a sacrifice we are both more than willing to make for my recovery and quality of life. I’ve been getting my life and affairs in order so I won’t leave worries behind. I’ve also been organizing my photos so I can keep those I love with me in pictures. Despite all the stress I’m looking forward to going into treatment where I can continue to learn more about myself and making good choices.